Shoulding Reality

Think back to some of the happier, more peaceful moments in your life (for instance, you just got your dream job) and think about this - there was probably very little distance between how things actually were (reality) and how you thought things should have been.

So, you've just been offered a great job with a honking signing bonus, (reality!) and you thought that you should have gotten the job for myriad reasons. Reality aligned perfectly with how you thought things should be, i.e. I should have gotten that job, and by God, I did!

Bada bing, peace and happiness. Jumping and kicking of the heels, Gene Kelly style.

It might help to visualize two identical circles. One circle is reality (how things actually are) and the other circle is how we think things should be. If the should circle is perfectly aligned with the reality circle, there is generally peace in the mental realm. Happy thoughts, champagne popping; steak and lobster all around. My kids should get good grades, and lookie here Merle, they are getting good grades!

That's how we like our reality - perfectly aligned with how we think it should be! Can I get an Amen?

Now let's say a little distance starts creeping between reality and how you think reality should be. Let's say the reality is that a rude, aggressive driver has just cut you off in traffic, and as a finishing touch he flips you off for not having gotten out of his way sooner. Actually, he keeps flipping you off like crazy as he speeds away, just to drive the point home!!!

How much distance is there now between reality (a rude driver) and how you think things should be? Does light years come close? You obviously think that this driver (or all drivers for that matter) should drive safely and be courteous to other drivers sharing the roadway.

Most of what makes us miserable arises in the gap between reality and our idea of how reality should be. You know, anger, frustration, despair, bitterness, revenge, making others wrong, fear - you frickin' name it - they all stand there a-hootin'-and-a-hollerin' in the vast gulf between reality and how we think reality should be.

If reality doesn't agree with me, boy, reality had better watch out because... drumroll, please.... I'm going to get really mad!!!

Are you starting to see how ridiculous this is? It's just as ridiculous as getting mad at a five year-old for not being able to solve quadratic equations. (she should be able to solve quadratic equations!) The reality is she can't and your (misguided) expectation that she should be able to solve quadratic equations just causes you aggravation.

Better to agree with reality: The five year-old cannot solve quadratic equations.

I know it's a ridiculous example, but just about as ridiculous as thinking that our freeway companion should drive safely and be courteous to others. He is no more able to drive safely (until he makes some changes within) than the 5 year-old is able to solve quadratic equations. (until she makes some changes, like developing her mental skills) It's simply beyond them at the present time. Both could take years to develop into the people with the skills you envision, if they ever learn the skills you think they should have right now.

Now, let's think about our circles a little differently than we're used to. Try this on for size in the privacy of your mental dressing room:

The driver who just cut me off should be driving dangerously and putting people's lives in danger. Why? Simply because he is driving dangerously and putting people's lives in danger. That's the actual reality! No amount of fuming on your part is ever going to change reality (he cut me off) or make that person a better driver.

If you take the position that the driver should have cut you off and that he should be driving dangerously, (you guessed it!) there is no distance between reality and how you think things should be. Guess what - reality is now exactly how you think it should be; the two circles are perfectly aligned. And here's the best part - there is no room, not even one angstrom, for malicious or counterproductive thoughts to take hold!

Now, that's not to say you cannot take Action. Action with a big, bold, purposeful and peaceful capital A.

If you see a driver coming up the freeway at high rates of speed, swerving and changing lanes dangerously, you can gently move over a few lanes and give him a wide berth. And, slow down a bit so that if he causes an accident up ahead you have plenty of room to stop before getting involved further in his drama. You might pull over, call 9-11 and alert the authorities a blue Gran Torino trailing blue smoke is creating a hazard to drivers on the 101. That's about it.

Action is always more effective coming from a still mind.

Since you now agree without hesitation that this guy should be driving dangerously and (yes, go for it!) should be putting other people's lives at risk, there is no room for anger, frustration, road rage, etc. Reality is now perfectly aligned with your idea of how reality should be. Isn't that awesome? How often does that happen?

As a matter of fact, you are now even in a position to send a blessing to the driver. People who drive chaotically often lead chaotic lives. As you can probably guess, chaotic lives can be excruciatingly painful, with tragedies following huge failures almost without end. Chaotic lives often don't end very well, either. His head-on collision with a light post might be just around the corner.

The last thing that driver needs is your anger.

For practice, try these on for size. They are listed in ascending order of "Oy! That's some reality!"

The line at the bank should be slow.
A barrel of oil should trade for $110.00.
My computer should have been stolen.
Governor Eliot Spitzer should solicit prostitutes.

Why? Because that's the perfectly lit reality, or what is.

All these events call for some sort of action, not mental anguish or bombast. Come back to the bank at a less busy time. Find ways to reduce oil consumption, if price is an issue for you. Contact your insurance company to get the computer replaced. Call for Spitzer's resignation in writing. Since you agree that these scenarios are all exactly as they should be, there is no room for fuming, stomping around the bank lobby shouting imprecations, etc.

Reality is neutral, even kind; our thoughts about it generally aren't. The sooner we learn to agree with and love reality, the easier it will be on us, and the planet.

Steve : - )

P.S. - Many thanks to the authors Byron Katie and Brad Warner, and to the guy who cut me off in traffic a while back (and flipped me the bird!) for creating the perfect source of inspiration for this piece. Also a big shout-out to my light-hearted (and very good) friend Howard Richmond, M.D. for the wonderfully descriptive term "mental dressing room" God always gives us what we need!

P.P.S - I call the condition where I have any idea of how reality should be my little "D-List Reality". As opposed to actual reality, which I call "A-List Reality" or "Atomic-Strength Reality".